It's Monday morning and I wanted to post at the end of the first three weeks. Three weeks is my personal test period. It's three weeks into the semester.
I don't like to be depressed and a downer in these blogs, but only showing the bright, motivated, I-am-alive side of me is kind of like a lie. So I have to confess. These three weeks have been a nightmare. Funny, since it was supposed to be ideal. I have three classes to teach (yay, money!) and I am working about 20 hours a week at my other job. Should be great.
I am used to hard work so I get embarrassed when I get exhausted. And the jobs I have right now cannot be put on hold. I cannot stop teaching and I HAVE to go in at my other job because I am the supervisor and am one of two people with keys to the joint. I can't not go in or we don't do business. I slowed my writing waaay down to try to not be so overwhelmed. Now I hardly write and I'm mad about it; it adds to my stress and anxiety. There are about five anthology calls I have passed up because of it.
This makes no sense as writing is the ideal. This isn't survival either. It's just the society we've created: work to survive so every once in a while you get to do something you love. Do we realize we've created a world no one wants to live in? I don't mean to be so dumpster-y but if I am being real, I fought to wake up this morning. It almost didn't happen. That's where I'm coming from right now. It was a dark and vodka-sloshed night.
I've been here before and I've always come out of it. I want to stop the hustle but I know there is no way. I am a creative survivor so I have to find a way out of this one. And I believe I will because I have. I know others don't have this weird Darwinism so I hope you find help. I've posted many times about getting professional help and I think you should. There are lots of free resources even. I can't tell you what to think in order to save yourself or how to even do it. Because I don't know. I hope you give yourself a chance though.