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The Fat Girl Post

I am overweight. By a lot. I have about 90 pounds to lose. I have had to come to terms with that and work on changing my life around my fat body. I have one road block a few people have, but most don't: I used to be a professional dancer and I was muscly, cute, and fit. Being a Has-Been, has messed with my mind a lot the last 4 years.

This lovely, trim lady is not me. However, the exercise I love most right now is circus arts and I a started with this thing here (minus the glorious stand!) called a yoga trapeze. Yoga hammock is different: no handles. Now, it is difficult for someone of my obese nature to do circus arts. It makes me angry that I cannot flip around, let alone pull my bulk up in one chin up. I used to. I was unlimited at one point.

I realized the other day, the things I am mad I cannot do are things fitness gurus do. Or Crique du Soliel people do (on a grander scale). Some not advanced people do it and skinny people do it. Let's get one thing straight right now though. I do not hate skinny people. But I also think that HAES movement is extremely dangerous and bad. I am not healthy. I am obese. My knees hurt because of my size. That's not normal. My feet ache because I am too fat for my heels. My lungs get the wind knocked out of them by my fat lady jugs. I somehow can still hike up Mount Chiquita and not die. I accidentally walked 6 miles of stairs with my mom the other day. Somewhere, deep inside, I am still kinda fit. But I am not healthy. I am hurting my body.

Any way, this is me right here, below in the bright clothing (seriously, black come back). I'm too fat for my knees to bend all the way (so that's really bad for them when I try), my gut is hanging out, my arms are fat and the rest went to my face. Pretty sure I have three chins now. Remember when I said I had no jawline? Still true.

As I was saying, I am upset that I can't do things above average people can do. So you know what that means? I am average. I'm just another fat girl. Now, that does not mean I hate myself (opposite, I'm really fond of myself and love spending time with myself) or that I have nothing to offer. I have A LOT going for myself. But it means that the world will judge me. I will be overlooked for a potential mate, I will be made fun of, and I will hurt this body, and I won't be able to do everything I want to do right now. This hurts me deeply as I got fat right at the end of my young years. I'm screwed from here on out. And it has been a struggle.

I have tried for years to lose the weight I gained when I moved from Texas. This December will mark my one year Running Anniversary (yes, this fat girl runs. RIP knees) and if I haven't lost weight (I haven't yet) then I will look at my distance and stamina instead for improvements. I eat healthy and I exercise. I stretch out and I drink a lot of water. Everyone says "just cut out soda and sweets". Well, I hate sweets (except for the rare occasion I will kill for a brownie) and I haven't had a soda or anything like it for years. No snack foods either. It is a mystery and that's just one of the alluring things about me :)

I want everyone else out there who is in my position to not give up. Do not say "this is how I am" but do not hate yourself. Just move. Exercise and don't look to lose weight. Eat healthy for the joy of feeling well, not for losing weight. Dance, run, play. You CAN and you should! Take it slow, but have a goal. Aim for 10 more seconds of running. Aim to reach your knees or the middle of your shin instead of your toes. And enjoy taking care of your body: eat vitamins, drink water, have a smoothie and an oven roasted vegetable. Shower, use the good lotion, whiten your teach, put on the makeup.

That's all I'm going to say. Be happy with who you are, but do not abuse yourself: take care of yourself. That's self love.

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